Honestly, I thought being "internet famous" was the most embarrassing shit in the world.
I didn't even know what that meant.
Like, were these the people who were still hung up on MySpace fame and were carrying it over into something else!?!?
Did they still have scene mullets...
I didn't wake up and decide to be an entrepreneur.
I didn't see someone else make one bajillion dollars and think -- dude! I'm gonna exploit people! For cash!
Actually, I went through a horribly traumatizing breakup.
I couldn't move for weeks.
And my kundalini was going crazy. I would just lay in bed and feel like I was being fucked open by God, sometimes for hours. Undulating. Having visions.
The Divine Mother had been visiting me for a long time. Around this time, she would appear with this insane headdress on, and just cackle. Howling laughter.
At the time, I wasn't afraid, but perhaps confused.
I felt like I was writhing on the floor of death, and somehow, there she was - boisterous.
The shamanic death and rebirth. It's happened many times [many more literal than this instance I speak of].
And what was born from it was my voice.
I cracked open.
I started writing.
I actually couldn't stop the words from flowing. I would wake up with entire paragraphs dictated into my mind. [Still do hahaha]
I would sit down and my entire body would be in an orgasmic state and I would just flow out these articles, these ecstatic poems, these devotional offerings.
I wanted to give my whole Heart up to God. So I did.
I started writing. I didn't fucking care what anyone thought about what I had to say, but I was still terrified [so, I did care, because it mattered].
And the first message came -- "can I work with you?"
And spirit grabbed my hands and sent me spiraling into a cauldron I didn't even know existed.
I was told how much to "charge" [life force energy exchange], what I would be doing, and how it was going to work.
In the process of showing up for that moment, I had to tunnel through all of the processes in my body that were stored there from being shamed, shut down, verbally and physically abused, even sexual abuse energy came up.
Because it all has to do with being SILENT and ashamed of who you are and what you came to do/be/say/share.
The horrifying poison of rejecting yourself to remain acceptable.
Shame is the torture chamber of our time.
And on the other side of it, is everything you desire, and don't even know that you want.
Suddenly one thing led to another, and it became easier, not because the things I have confronted got any less challenging, but because I got better.
I was more committed every day. I was willing to do whatever it took, because there has never been any part of my being that is willing to compromise on life.
I would rather die than experience ordinary.
And this is what it takes.
This new world we're building: you can't bring your shame there. You can't bring your judgments, your projections, your belittling, or fake humility.
You can't bring your settling.
You'll have to leave behind your self-abandonment.
You'll have to unpack and detonate your people pleasing with the biggest fucking heart-bomb you can find. Codependency doesn't die an easy death.
You have to bring the whole fucking fireworks show of your soul, on fire, moved to fucking flames, ready to torch some old paradigms, eat some limitations, and cast out all that wishes to keep you down.
So, no big deal, but that's where at least my "six figure business" came from.
Not a funnel. Not a fucking facebook ad. Sheer death and rebirth and willingness.
And today, I see myself in that image of the Divine Mother.
Will you be next?
Join us in the mountains.
Leave a different woman.
Shame can only really be healed in community: where you are witnessed, where you remember, where you see yourself in the beauty of all that is.